The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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