Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
