so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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