maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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