i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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