I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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