I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
