I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
