i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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