My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
