awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
