Betty ford says i'm here all night
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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