then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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