If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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