Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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