Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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