btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
