Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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