If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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