My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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