my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
