I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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