I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
