Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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