It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
