thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This is the high leading the old right now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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