the condom got lost in my hair
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
