Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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