mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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