Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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