listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
