All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
