I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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