I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
