i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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