I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
