I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
