true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
