i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
