i jhust puked up my retainher.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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