Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
