She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
