fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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