Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
