I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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