your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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