I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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