There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
