I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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