Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
